It's Easier to Run
by bluehazegrl
Summary: pg15. A short songfic about Alanna and how it's easier to run. Jon, Liam, her father, George, a new man warnings: abuse


**Updated 7/20/08**

**Minor errors fixed, a few sentences rewritten.**

**I strongly suggest listening to the song while reading the fic. The tempo really sets the mood.**

**It's Easier to Run by Linkin Park (Meteora album)**

ps. I'm getting mildly annoyed at the lack of reviewing this site seems to be suffering from. When I first joined (and even before when I'd read and review anonymously) there seemed to be a much larger pool of people who reviewed. In four years I have seen the review rate drop significantly. Please, take the time to review the stories you read. Even if it's a simple: that was nice OR that stunk OR i liked it OR good OR bad, all of those words still constitute a review. So please give all of the authors and stories you read the courtesy of reviewing.

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**This song has been way overdone for song fics but I still wanted to write one of my own so here it is**

**This is after Alanna and Jon have broken it off, and after Liam and Alanna broke it off but before George and Alanna get together for good; at the beginning of this fic, Alanna is dating another guy that is not from the books. I'm kind of leaving Coram out of this because it really defeats the story if he's here**

**Disclaimer:the**** song is linkin park's it's easier to run I don't own characters or things you recognizeTamora Pierce does…. Happy?**

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain all alone_

Alanna stared at the ceiling, tears in her eyes. How could she have been so stupid this time? She'd really thought he loved her. Her brows furrowed as she thought back angrily on the previous conversation. How could he expect her to change like that?

That was just it though; every single man that she had thought loved her in her life had expected that- not a single one could accept her for who she really was.

_Something has been taken  
From deep inside of me  
A secret I've kept locked away  
No one can ever see  
Wounds so deep they never show  
They never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head  
For years and years they've played_

It had of course started with her father. How could he expect her to give up her one connection to her mother? Of course she feared her Gift, but that did not mean that it wasn't a part of her. Deep down she knew it was part of her and it must stay. She also knew that it wasn't love that kept her father by her side- she knew her father didn't love her. She knew that to him, she had always been just another breathing entity, worth no more than she could give. She'd never told anyone that. She'd never let out her secret. Not even her brother had known what _that man_ had made her do.

_If I could change I would  
Take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could  
Stand up and take the blame I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave  
I would_

She truly had thought she'd found love in Jon. He'd been there for her, helped her to open when she thought she'd never trust a man again. She found that to him she was worth more than just what she could give physically. But could he accept her for who she was? No- again, it had been the bitter and hurtful argument that had shown to her that she was everything he loathed, everything that he found repulsive; she was not a lady, she was unacceptable. She wanted to change for him, but she could not. She could not deny who she truly was. Her true self fought against the restraints Jon tried to impose, and won. No longer could she be with Jon. To Jon she was a comrade by day, lover by night- she served her purpose- what more.

_Sometimes I remember  
The darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories  
I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go  
And never looking back  
And never moving forward, so  
There'd never be a past_

After Jon, how could she love? She tried to give George a chance. She had blamed her departure from his care on the weather, but deep down, she knew the truth- she was scared. She was haunted by her past and not ready to face another situation that might be similar to that of what she wanted desperately to forget. She turned to her knighthood- she needed to keep busy. The busier she stayed, the more her memories were suppressed. But she could not go on like that forever.

_Just washing it aside  
All the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
Is so much simpler than change_

Liam- how he frustrated her so! With his constant analyzing of her- his never ceasing critique. Why could he not let her be? Yes he had fears, but so did she. He was a strong man, what might happen if she was not good enough? How she wished she could forget. She left it all in the dust, traveling to the roof of the world—keeping busy. Every day she faced Liam with a new lie- a new trick, trying to convince him that she felt at peace with herself and was confident in how she lived. How she struggled each day! But it was so much easier to pretend than it was to face the truth- how could she, the sole Lady Knight of the realm, admit fear?

_It's easier to run  
Replacing the pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone_

Why was it her that was always the one that had a fault? Every relationship! Not one person had ever admitted they might be wrong- it had never happened. How was it that she was always the one who caused problems? Was it her fate to never be happy? To never feel safe? To always fear? Not a single person could she turn to in her fear, in her apprehension, in her misgivings- so she stayed a knight- keeping busy- because, **It's**** Easier to Run**


End file.
